Published March 21, 2006
Bitter jazz band
Swing the music I know so well
I’m dancing across his life
Wringing drinks above his weary head
He’s a sinner
And I’m woman scorned
You shouldn’t cross the lines,
Trip wire me, but I’ll just smile
Honey, you’re going to hell
Sweet fountain splashing him
He lip-folds me into corners
Lashing, cat-like
(tire like)
This is anger
Burned within his chest plate
A knight in shining armor
And a kingly second-rate
I will salt-dance your feet
At night when lights
Have flickered out of knowing
Snakes sleep silent, darling
Spite dashes with our shadows
We can spike the punch
But I’ll be the one throwing the blows
Sour, take my arm, dear
Puckered lips at your fate
Keep beaming, knowing your on top
While I glimmer with a blade
The deviousness, the whispers
I’m ticking off my list
Open up, I’m bearing you
Operation table (bed)
Shaking anger,
Shaking souls,
This Jezebel, this dying Delilah
Pillow talks that you are dead
Honey, I’m going out with a bang
And so are you
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141,254 Literary Works • 674,330 Reviews
Once again, doing what you do best, pairing words and painting images. Your poems often come across as paintings, and when you make the right strokes, they are pure beauty. Awesome opening line. "He’s a sinner/And I’m woman scorned." Love that line. I know you probably mean you are a scorned woman, but I like the idea of it being one word, woman-scorned. Salt-dance! Brilliant. I love your work. I wonder...Dylan Thomas an influence? I bet you would love him if you don't know him.
"Sweet fountain splashing him
He lip-folds me into corners
Lashing, cat-like
(tire like)
This is anger
Burned within his chest plate
A knight in shining armor
And a kingly second-rate"
This stanza actually sent chills through my body--seriously.
"While I glimmer with a blade"
Meh..I thought this sounded kind of...cheesy. I think it might sound better if you said someting like "Glimmering with a blade" instead. Also, this line:
"I’m ticking off my list"
Seemed to come from nowhere...I didn't really get it. And finally,
"This Jezebel, this dying Delilah
Pillow talks that you are dead"
Great metaphor! I truly loved this line...althought I do think this would go better as the ending but whatever..at least it's close to the end.
Beautiful and refreshing. Some small problems:
"Keep beaming, knowing your on top" should be you're.
"He lip-folds me into corners
Lashing, cat-like
(tire like)" I guess I just don't understand the "tire like" line...
That's all, actually. Wonderful. Keep doing what you're doing.
Brian